Winter Blues

I've been watching my blood pressure lately. As a high blood pressure patient in addition to all the other "Crap" in my life, I find myself stressed whenever I take it...in being stressed, my BP of course is high. Go figure.

It feels like something that ebbs and flows with the seasons. Being winter, days are shorter, hence, activity outside is lessened. I LOVE being outdoors, love the feel of fresh air on my face. I also work a 10 hour day so in the winter, I leave home in the dark and get home after dark.

I work at a fairly stressful job. Unhappy folks with lots o fdemands, some of which can be unreasonable at times. I'm the assistant to the CEO of the company and as such I hear a lot of crap; crap about how I don't do my job like I'm supposed to, crap about how other folks aren't doing their job, etc. I do my fair share of griping too, don't get me wrong.

Life handed hubs and I a basket of lemons a while back and we've been trying since then to keep making lemonade out of them. Some days are better than others don't get me wrong, but I'm a dweller and I tend to dwell on stuff. Mom would say something like Water off a ducks back or...let go and let God...I can't do that all the time. With the bombs that have dropped over the last couple years I can't just unplug and unwind.

It would be so NICE if I could do that but for now all I can do is express myself by writing. Mental purging.

I had an OB-GYN appt two Friday's ago and of course my BP was high. I'd even told myself while waiting (for an HOUR) in the waiting room, don't do this, Melissa. It's all shite in the end to not worry about, but, after having failed some tests which resulted in a biopsy then being told by a radiologist that my left breast had some "spots" in it I'm freaked out when I go see her. Wouldn't you be? My bp was fine by the time she was done with her exam, btw.

So, since then I've been watching my bp off and on using my cuffs at home. Checking it at odd times to try and psych myself out. Now I'll start recording what was going on at the time of my bp check, the time and the result of the check. Yay. (note the sarcasm)

I placed a call to my endo this morning and told them what was going on briefly; high bp when I check it the first time, w/in normal limits afterward. She asked what the cuff had read the last 5 times - woops, didn't write those down. She said the doctor would want to know that before adjusting meds, so write down the next 10 readings and call them in....

How does one turn off the mind? In looking more closely at my life, I guess things are really okay..when I sit down and really peer closely with open eyes I think stuff is okay but part of me panics..what if, what if? I can't turn THAT part off....

I can't or don't know HOW to do that because at one moment, stuff will be going along okay, we're all happy and everything, then the bottom just drops out from underneath us. Literally. You think stuff is fine and dandy, then your spidey senses start to tingle and the bomb drops..Boom...your life has changed. Then it happens again and you're like okay, what next?? How much can one person take? The old saying, the Lord will not give you more than you can handle comes to mind...my question or response is....I wish sometimes he didn't trust me so much....