Sunday morning,March 7th, I got up late and puttered around the kitchen prepping bowls for the birds (my fids, Beakie, Cookie, Curley, Lucey and Bilbo). Fed the chickens and let them out, fed/watered Mowglie after letting him out and went on to the bird room. Everyone sleeps in there but Lucey and Bilbo. I chatted to Curley who was sitting on the bottom of her cage as is her usual spot in the mornings as I uncovered her and opened the curtains/blinds next to her spot. I put her bowls in their spots and moved to uncover Beakie who was being quiet. I was going to wash all the bird towels from the crates etc so I whipped it off onto the floor and much to my chagrin and horror :( I noticed he wasn't moving or fussing at me as he usually did.
I literally yelled or tried to for Brandon and yelled again as I reached in to pick up his poor, lifeless body. He came tearing down the hall and crashed into the room freaking out Curley. I told him to be careful and started crying. In my hands was my little friend, my 10 year old parrot I'd had since he was a tiny baby at only 13 weeks old. His little candy corn beak had a piece of pumpkin seed stuck to it, his tiny feet curled lifeless in my hands. I couldn't think. All I knew to do was to run to the living room and sit and rock with him in my hands.
Argh, this is so hard....
I had all sorts of stuff go through my mind, what had happened the last couple days etc. He'd been more quiet than usual the night before which was "odd" for him. He talked to me though and whispered and blew kisses though that night before bed. All I can think is that he died shortly after being put to sleep.
I held him for a while and cried a lot and smelled his beautiful green feathers again; that soft musky fresh scent he'd always had was still there, but he....was gone.
We went to the store...hahaha thinking of the first five words in this sentence are something Beakie would tell me at night...going to the store.... and bought flower bulbs, some flowers, edging, soil, etc and built up an area in the front yard. We'd placed his body in a humidor Brandon had after covering him with a towel I'd used on him when he was just a baby and put some paper towels (he LOVED shredding paper towels) and one his toys in with his body. After determining where we were going to make the flower garden, Brandon dug the hole and we buried him. That is so damn hard to do....We put the bird bath we have over him and planted a pretty flower garden with edging around him. He loved a bath and loved bright colors...
Rest easy my little green fella. Mommy will miss you a LOT and never forget what a cantankerous little guy you could be; what made you you....I can't put into words how much I'll miss you, but I do get a smile when I look out and see your final resting place...love you, Beaker.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Winter Blues
I've been watching my blood pressure lately. As a high blood pressure patient in addition to all the other "Crap" in my life, I find myself stressed whenever I take it...in being stressed, my BP of course is high. Go figure.
It feels like something that ebbs and flows with the seasons. Being winter, days are shorter, hence, activity outside is lessened. I LOVE being outdoors, love the feel of fresh air on my face. I also work a 10 hour day so in the winter, I leave home in the dark and get home after dark.
I work at a fairly stressful job. Unhappy folks with lots o fdemands, some of which can be unreasonable at times. I'm the assistant to the CEO of the company and as such I hear a lot of crap; crap about how I don't do my job like I'm supposed to, crap about how other folks aren't doing their job, etc. I do my fair share of griping too, don't get me wrong.
Life handed hubs and I a basket of lemons a while back and we've been trying since then to keep making lemonade out of them. Some days are better than others don't get me wrong, but I'm a dweller and I tend to dwell on stuff. Mom would say something like Water off a ducks back or...let go and let God...I can't do that all the time. With the bombs that have dropped over the last couple years I can't just unplug and unwind.
It would be so NICE if I could do that but for now all I can do is express myself by writing. Mental purging.
I had an OB-GYN appt two Friday's ago and of course my BP was high. I'd even told myself while waiting (for an HOUR) in the waiting room, don't do this, Melissa. It's all shite in the end to not worry about, but, after having failed some tests which resulted in a biopsy then being told by a radiologist that my left breast had some "spots" in it I'm freaked out when I go see her. Wouldn't you be? My bp was fine by the time she was done with her exam, btw.
So, since then I've been watching my bp off and on using my cuffs at home. Checking it at odd times to try and psych myself out. Now I'll start recording what was going on at the time of my bp check, the time and the result of the check. Yay. (note the sarcasm)
I placed a call to my endo this morning and told them what was going on briefly; high bp when I check it the first time, w/in normal limits afterward. She asked what the cuff had read the last 5 times - woops, didn't write those down. She said the doctor would want to know that before adjusting meds, so write down the next 10 readings and call them in....
How does one turn off the mind? In looking more closely at my life, I guess things are really okay..when I sit down and really peer closely with open eyes I think stuff is okay but part of me panics..what if, what if? I can't turn THAT part off....
I can't or don't know HOW to do that because at one moment, stuff will be going along okay, we're all happy and everything, then the bottom just drops out from underneath us. Literally. You think stuff is fine and dandy, then your spidey senses start to tingle and the bomb drops..Boom...your life has changed. Then it happens again and you're like okay, what next?? How much can one person take? The old saying, the Lord will not give you more than you can handle comes to mind...my question or response is....I wish sometimes he didn't trust me so much....
It feels like something that ebbs and flows with the seasons. Being winter, days are shorter, hence, activity outside is lessened. I LOVE being outdoors, love the feel of fresh air on my face. I also work a 10 hour day so in the winter, I leave home in the dark and get home after dark.
I work at a fairly stressful job. Unhappy folks with lots o fdemands, some of which can be unreasonable at times. I'm the assistant to the CEO of the company and as such I hear a lot of crap; crap about how I don't do my job like I'm supposed to, crap about how other folks aren't doing their job, etc. I do my fair share of griping too, don't get me wrong.
Life handed hubs and I a basket of lemons a while back and we've been trying since then to keep making lemonade out of them. Some days are better than others don't get me wrong, but I'm a dweller and I tend to dwell on stuff. Mom would say something like Water off a ducks back or...let go and let God...I can't do that all the time. With the bombs that have dropped over the last couple years I can't just unplug and unwind.
It would be so NICE if I could do that but for now all I can do is express myself by writing. Mental purging.
I had an OB-GYN appt two Friday's ago and of course my BP was high. I'd even told myself while waiting (for an HOUR) in the waiting room, don't do this, Melissa. It's all shite in the end to not worry about, but, after having failed some tests which resulted in a biopsy then being told by a radiologist that my left breast had some "spots" in it I'm freaked out when I go see her. Wouldn't you be? My bp was fine by the time she was done with her exam, btw.
So, since then I've been watching my bp off and on using my cuffs at home. Checking it at odd times to try and psych myself out. Now I'll start recording what was going on at the time of my bp check, the time and the result of the check. Yay. (note the sarcasm)
I placed a call to my endo this morning and told them what was going on briefly; high bp when I check it the first time, w/in normal limits afterward. She asked what the cuff had read the last 5 times - woops, didn't write those down. She said the doctor would want to know that before adjusting meds, so write down the next 10 readings and call them in....
How does one turn off the mind? In looking more closely at my life, I guess things are really okay..when I sit down and really peer closely with open eyes I think stuff is okay but part of me panics..what if, what if? I can't turn THAT part off....
I can't or don't know HOW to do that because at one moment, stuff will be going along okay, we're all happy and everything, then the bottom just drops out from underneath us. Literally. You think stuff is fine and dandy, then your spidey senses start to tingle and the bomb drops..Boom...your life has changed. Then it happens again and you're like okay, what next?? How much can one person take? The old saying, the Lord will not give you more than you can handle comes to mind...my question or response is....I wish sometimes he didn't trust me so much....
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